i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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