Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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