who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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