I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
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He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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