hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
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I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
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I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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