I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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