I just pynch a tree in the face
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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