we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
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You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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