apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
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Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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