Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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