2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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