Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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