last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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