Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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