Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
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Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
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THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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