You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
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Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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