I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
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Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
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Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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