I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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