Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
do herpes really smell.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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