I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize