I cut my penus on the lid.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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