apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
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Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
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can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
why is half of my head shaved?
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