i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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