I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize