There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
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REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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