My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize