It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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