Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
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You pole danced in your parka.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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