Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
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Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize