he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize