so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
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I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
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Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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