I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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