I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
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At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
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