apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
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There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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