a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
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I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
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When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
as a side note pls kill me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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