Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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