mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
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Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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