after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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