I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
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Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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