i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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