: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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