You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
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Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
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I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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