I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
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Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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