Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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