I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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