I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
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during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
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Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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