I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
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Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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