my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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