The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
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We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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