the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
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i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
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Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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